


Why She Loved Her

by TerranMyHeart



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Dissociation, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 03:35:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8085289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerranMyHeart/pseuds/TerranMyHeart
Summary: Amethyst helps Pearl through a dissociative episode





	

You know that feeling when you're having terrible anxiety and some dissociation too? Everything feels...red. It's a hazy, sticky kind of red that gums up your mind and floods your head with a sludge of nothingness. It inserts its own levels of fear inside you, a never ending panic that can't seem to be tamed by anything.

Pearl felt this sometimes. Past memories of loves that hurt her dearly, the stress of daily life piling up when she least expects it to, clutter forming both in her house and her mind as the hazy redness grows in intensity. 

Amethyst knew. She could tell when Pearl felt like this; her eyes would go blank and stare at invisible monsters on the painted walls of their shared home, her fingertips twitching with restlessness and unease. When she was asked or told something, her responses would be limited to a noise of acknowledgement. Yes, it was easy to tell when Pearl was having a hard time, and it killed Amethyst every single time it happened. 

One day, she could tell it was really bad. 

“Pearl, dinner’s done, you gonna eat?” Amethyst asked from their bedroom doorway. 

There was no response from her, the pale woman’s gaze fixed far away in the general direction of the ceiling as she laid on top of all the covers. 

Amethyst sighed despondently, gripping the door frame in worry. “Pearl?”

A few seconds later, Pearl blinked and looked near the door, but not at it. “Sorry...yeah.” 

For a few moments, Amethyst studied the unmoving human on the bed. Then, she went back to the kitchen, ate, and put everything away. 

She returned to their bedroom a few moments later, standing by Pearl’s side and laying a gentle, light hand on the side of her face. “Pearl?”

“...mm..?” Her response was absent minded, barely there. 

“Wanna go on a walk?”

No response.

“Please? I think it'll help.”

For a few moments, they sat. Then, Pearl’s pale hand slowly moves to touch the darker one caressing her cheek, laying light fingertips over the smooth skin and pressing softly as if to test if they were real. She closed her eyes and wrapped her fingers around Amethyst’s, savoring the sudden sensation for a moment before slowly nodding. “I...think I’d..like that, yes.”

Amethyst pressed the gentlest of kisses against her forehead before helping her stand, not letting go of her hand and leading her to the front door.

Pearl found herself suddenly in a small clearing in a nearby forest, still holding Amethyst’s hand. They must have walked there. 

“Ya with me? What're you feelin right now? Tell me,” Amethyst asked gently, running a thumb over her knuckles. 

For a moment, Pearl internally took inventory on the sensations she was experiencing, then spoke them slowly and carefully. “I...can feel...your hand, against mine, touching me lightly,” her free hand covered the one Amethyst was holding her with,”and it's...nice outside,” her gaze flitted to the evening sky,”the clouds are pink, its...beautiful.” A small smile placed itself on her lips now, the sensations entering her head to replace the muck that filled it. “The air is lovely...it's the perfect temperature, not too hot or humid.” For a moment, she looked closer at all the plant life growing around her, studying. “The flowers have bloomed, their colors extraordinary...the leaves are green all around us, the grass swaying gently in this...idle breeze. It's…” 

Pearl looked back at Amethyst, right into her eyes. Her own hands idled up to Amethyst’s cheeks, watching as a smile formed upon them. 

“It's wonderful, just like you. I can see your eyes, and they're this perfect shade of brown that makes my heart flutter every time I see them.” Pearl’s thumbs traced light lines just under them. “And your lips, the upper one holding this adorable cleft that reminds me of a kitten every time I lay eyes on it,” she started to grin here, every sensation she could feel returning to her.

Amethyst’s grin matched hers, her hands moving up to the ones holding her cheeks and squeezing them lightly. “Anything else?”

“I'm…” Here, Pearl stalled for a moment, finding the words. “I'm...grateful. And...I'm glad we're here right now. Together, it's...helping.” 

Brown eyes twinkled with relief and happiness, watching as her girlfriend became alert again. “C’mere,” she said, gently tugging her to the side of the small clearing to a tidy patch in front of flowers and leaves, sitting her down before joining her by her side. Taking her hand, she had Pearl touch the leaves with her pale fingertips, just enough to feel the texture. 

Pearl continued to run them over the small, colorful flowers, embracing their texture and how she could actually feel it. She closed her eyes, her movements slow and careful, like if she went too fast she wouldn't be able to feel it.

Her girlfriend watched her enjoy the sensation of simply...feeling. It was like she was rediscovering what it was like to comprehend nature and be a human being. The concept was bittersweet, but Amethyst knew it was helping her reconnect to life, and she also knew that she was enjoying it.

Pearl felt the things around her for a moment longer before opening her eyes, looking over at Amethyst. Amethyst looked back, studying her face and watching as her now alert eyes scoured her girlfriend’s features.

That pale face was beautiful. Even more beautiful as Pearl began to understand that she was alive, and that was a good thing. Slowly, Amethyst took Pearl’s hand once more, moving it up to the pale woman’s neck so she could feel her own pulse. When she did, her shoulders seemed to relax, her eyelids drooping until they shut once more, comprehension introducing itself once more into her mind.

Amethyst didn't have to be her to see it happening, she could tell. It was the way her fingertips stopped twitching, her opening eyes looked directly at her girlfriend with love and care. It was in how she slowly gripped Amethyst’s hand, held it up to her own cheek, and smiled. 

For a moment, Amethyst let her have that sensation. Then, she broke her thoughts with a near-silent question. “May I…?” She asked, pointing to her lips. 

Pearl nodded slowly, leaning forward to let their lips meet, the sensation flooding her mind and removing the last motes of clutter that clouded her head so fully before. Her hands caressed Amethyst’s face, appreciating every last inch of the one she loved. 

Amethyst was loud, reckless, and messy. Even she herself would admit that, now. But along with that, she was intuitive, and knew how Pearl felt. Since she knew how Pearl felt, she knew exactly how to help. This was why Pearl loved her, and why she was reminded of that fact now as her feelings came back to her in a gentle wave. The cloudy sky faded from pink as the sun set, their chaste kiss eventually separating to end with their foreheads leaning against each other, both touching the other’s features lightly. 

Sometimes...Pearl couldn't feel. But that didn't mean that Amethyst couldn't help her gain it back. 

That was why she loved her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my dudes


End file.
